If the Automotive Industry Worked Like the Pharmahealth Industry

Photo by senivpetro - www.freepik.com

Hey, congratulations on your new car!

Have fun.

Run it ragged and never bother doing a moment’s maintenance on it.

Never check the oil.

Never rotate the tires.

Put in the cheapest, shittiest fuel you can find.

Hell, put anything you want in there. Sugar, water, hydrogen peroxide, Pepsi, urine…

It’ll be fine.

When the warning lights come on (they always do!) fear not…

Just bring it in to one of our licensed car specialists and they will write you a prescription for some black electrical tape. Just slap that tape right over the warning light.

Problem solved!

Take it to a mechanic? Where did you hear that?? NO! You should never do that. They are unscrupulous quacks who will charge you money to “fix” things and charge you for “parts”, too.

It’s a total scam.

Stick to our licensed black tape specialists!

Yes, $1000 per roll of black tape is pricey, but most insurance plans will cover it.

Oh, you can still see some light peeking out from behind the tape? No problem. Our licensed car surgeons can surgically snip the electrical wires leading to the warning lights. You’ll never see a light again!

Oh, the car is making a shuddering, grinding, clunking noise? No problem. Our car specialists can prescribe you some 5000$ ear plugs, again, covered by all but the least expensive insurance plans.

Oh, you can see smoke coming out from under the hood?

Hmm, a tough one.

But luckily, the automotive industry is always innovating! We can install the latest technical gadget: a high powered fan that sucks the smoke downward and blows it behind the car where you can’t see it.

AND, allow me to anticipate your next concern: we’ve already removed all the mirrors on your vehicle. I don’t even know why cars have them, to be honest. So, you’re good to go!

Oh, you heard that automobile failures and wrecks are sharply on the rise? Where did you hear that? Some right-wing conspiracy website, I guess?

Oh, the official statistics… Oh yes, well, we think those failures and wrecks are caused by private individuals and mechanics looking under the hood and attempting to “fix” things on their own. Those are not Federal Department of Automobile-approved treatments.

Actually, we’re really trying to crack down on all non-FDA-approved car treatments. I mean, look at all the carnage they’re causing. Be sure to avoid listening to any automotive podcasts or DIY videos you might see online, which are full of misinformation. None of them are licensed black tape specialists.

We actually have industry representatives working with the federal government as we speak, to have those conspiracy websites and podcasts taken off the Internet.

I mean, if you think about it, should there even be anything on the Internet that doesn’t come from an authorized source?

Also, as an extra safety measure, we’re working with law enforcement to make sure that every driver always wears an opaque sensory-deprivation helmet while operating a motor vehicle. We’re sure this will decrease the number of vehicle failures that get reported.

Of course you’ll still be able to control the car! It’s actually safer, if you think about, because other drivers won’t be able to sense things wrong with your car either. So car accident statistics will come way down. The opaque helmet protects you and them!

Also, in response to the crisis, we’ve developed a new experimental oil-replacement Product™ that will be mandatory in all cars, starting this year. If you have regular old engine oil, instead of our experimental Product™, it’s your choice, of course, but you won’t be allowed to drive on major highways or city streets, or really anywhere but your own driveway.

It’s a safety issue.

Yes, it’s the same product for all cars, regardless of differences in engine blocks. Regular engine oil was so specific to the individual engine, but the car-care system is really moving toward a one-size-fits-all approach. We tested our oil-replacement Product™ for two minutes on over one engine block, so, it’s good. We think it’s ready to be put into all cars, everywhere.

And mandated, of course.

No, I’m afraid you can’t see the test data. We’re going to hold onto that for 75 years. That’s pretty standard for this type of stuff. We wouldn’t want the public to misinterpret it.

What? You’ve heard that our safe and effective oil-replacement is causing friction, wear, excessive heat, acidity, sludge build up, and total engine failure?? And that more cars are breaking down that have the Product™ than those that don’t?

Where are you getting these statistics??

Oh, from the official Vehicular Adverse Event Reporting System? Well, you really don’t understand those statistics… you have to have an advanced degree in automotive safety to even think about…

Hey… where are you taking that car?

To a mechanic? Didn’t you hear me? Are you insane??

Do you want to be another statistic? You’re not even wearing your opaque helmet! Why are you giving me the middle finger? We only want the best for our consumers!

Get back here!!

…

Damn, we lost another one.

Terrorist.